Pondering whether or not squirrels get junk mail...
Let’s get started this week by making a rash assumption that squirrels do not receive junk mail. Either in the form of traditional “snail mail” or some form of electronic communication.
(This, of course, also makes me wonder if snails receive “snail mail.” If not, how do they receive valuable junk mail alerting them to the possibility that they be eligible to win something very valuable, with absolutely no obligations.)
The idea that squirrels might get mail is a very vague connection with the photograph that you see of a hopeful squirrel hanging around on a picnic table. I am grateful that the critter paused long enough to serve as the catalyst for this week’s column.
On the same day that I took the picture of the squirrel, I received a rather special fax. The message on the fax, which appeared to have originated from an attorney with a law firm located in a large city in what will remain an unnamed country located north of the United States, suggested that yours truly had an opportunity to become very, very wealthy.
In keeping with the squirrel theme, I decided to have a little bit of fun. So, let’s just say that squirrels got mail. More specifically, in this case, a special fax message, which went something like this...
Dear Mr. Squirrel
My name is I.M. Anutt. I am a partner at The Pretend Law Firm LLP, a firm which is based in Canada/United Kingdom.
It is my pleasure to contact you with this profiting proposal, though it may surprise you to receive this letter from me since there has been no previous correspondence between us. There is an unclaimed “permanent life insurance policy” held by our deceased client.
The transaction pertains to an unclaimed “Payable-On-Death” (POD) savings monetary deposit in the sum of Nine Million Eight Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollars (U$9,820,000) with a Reputable Bank. The policy holder was one of our clients, Mr. Alan Squirrel, who worked with Energy Company in Canada. He died in a ghastly car accident in Toronto Canada, Nine years ago. Since his death no one has come forth for the claim and all our efforts to locate his relatives have proved abortive.
The insurance company code stipulates that unclaimed “insured permanent policies” must be turned over to the abounded property division of the state after ten (10) years.
In view of the fact that you share the same last name and nationality with the deceased, I solicit for your consent to partner with me for the claim of this policy benefit as the beneficiary of the claim.
This transaction is 100% risk free as there will be no violation of any civil or criminal laws.
Kindly note that this transaction is strictly confidential and shall not be shared with a third party without my approval.
Oh my goodness. What have I done? I have now shared this strictly confidential transaction with a whole bunch of third parties. That would be the four persons who actually read this column, including The Other Half, who is eagerly looking forward to being immensely wealthy. With the millions of bucks we’re about to put in the bank, she will be able to put more sunflower seeds out in the feeder on our porch. The squirrels really like those sunflower seeds.
One can only imagine the details of the ghastly car accident which claimed the life of Mr. Squirrel. I’m guessing that if squirrels in other countries are as goofy as American squirrels, Mr. Squirrel just decided at the last second to run across a street, right in front of an oncoming car, and, well, you know what happened...
Just for the heck of it, I decided to pay a visit to Google world to a do a little bit of investigative journalism regarding the fax message.
Turns out there really is a law firm in a big city in the country north of the United States with the name which appeared on the fax. Google informed me that the firm has more than 700 lawyers at 10 offices on four continents. Clients, perhaps even including squirrels, rely on the firm for expert legal advice and the occasional peanut.
And, based on what I discovered on Google, the attorney who sent the fax message apparently is a real, life attorney affiliated with the aforementioned law firm.
Hmmmmm. Maybe I am going to become immensely wealthy. And, I suppose this is how people get themselves in trouble...and, potentially, lose lots of their money. We see messages that seem to at least have the possibility of being real. Never mind that if it seems too good to be true, then...
To be honest with you, I’m not quite sure what I would do with $9.8 million anyway. A fellow traveler on The Journey Through Life who toils at The Paragraph Factory suggested that he would like a bag of potato chips. Done.
From a squirrel’s viewpoint, I’m just going to suggest that the whole thing just sounds, well, nuts...